He checked himself. He mustn't let her see.
'I know... I've heard something like that before.'
'But I won't stop. Maybe I haven't learned my lesson, which I suppose is that it could've been worse. I get an energy in me when I'm on there. And yeah, you'll have that face but I don't care. Maybe it's an addiction. With her it was for sure an addiction, and a connection, definitely. We had a great bond.'
He hated not knowing how to seem as the seconds glitched. 'I just want that feeling, over and over. Like the first time I felt it.'
Up until now, she'd been a fizzing blur of energy, confidence and that infectious 'other' that's hard to define but solidly there. But this last sentence brought just the spectre of faded joy into her eyes, betraying the loss - in whatever form, wherever it was - within her.
It was probably the moment at which, even though it had obviously already left a mark, he accepted that the sharpest moments of pure affirmation, those that shed a glowing light on the neighbouring things in the most profound way, are usually consigned to be dropped and dumped into the past.
'So, that's my story. Easy way in there... but you've got no marks, no threads for me to pull or whatever I should say, however I should put it. What sounds poetic? So what's going with you? Any lucky escapes? Or just boring life?'
It was all true. And the sudden urge to validate himself hit him. But he was so deep in his thoughts that his mind slowed to ice.
'Not that I know of. It's a bit dull. I'm just getting on with it to be honest.' How honest?
'I've got a few things on now. Everything seems a bit better.'
'Right. Very vague.'
'Just setting up my own music press. Early on. Labels, publishing, the legal stuff. It probably sounds more interesting than it is.'
Time seemed to be getting clogged, with not enough of it, and way too many words unable to be released.
'I couldn't focus on it for a long time. My head went foggy.'
Broken thoughts.
'Oh, and I've started a bit of radio, not serious, a sound little community one. I've done it before, much younger, it's good to get out there again.'
He didn't know what else to add. There was brewing excitement in him about his adventures, and talking about them proved it, but the feeling still surprised him. But he conceded that these passions were impossible to display in this transient air, with the end point looming severely.
© Copyright 2023 John Maher