Cottony cadence, steadied a little

I felt a bloated moment of insecurity. He’d think I was stupid, surely. Too dramatic, and altogether ridiculous. But, no, no. ‘As I said, you’re different. See? Not sure I can remember anyone else saying that, or anything like it, to be honest. Maybe they did but... look, I totally get it. The views, just astounding, but in a low-key way. I feel that so much. I’m glad you said, actually. When I’m not here it’s as though a big fire went out. My soul is aware of that. Every time it happens, god. Thanks. It’s like you knew, because I usually feel excellent within these corridors. Maybe you’re the same, you see all that, because it touches you in ways most people miss. And we’re looking for it too of course. It’s not so unusual that we occasionally find something.’

There was a boldness inside his voice, even though the overall intonation felt pillowy, transferred from hollower places. As ever, I let it hang in the air for some moments, so I could suggest to myself what it all meant, and so I might formulate some kind of response. But his time I didn’t need to, as he carried on. ‘There’s something on my mind. As I say many times, I love this place, it’s home. But within all my memories, a little thing worries me. I have this blind spot. It’s strange. Like a decade ago, maybe longer, nothing is really very clear. But that bit of time; to me it didn’t happen. There’s a darkness, a chasm, and I can’t explain it. I don’t tell anyone that. Whatever happened in those days, it cuts me, wounds me. I don’t have any more than that. Sorry for this.’

I didn’t believe it warranted an apology, so I held my hand out as if to signal as much. Who should fill the next gap, me or him? It seemed too large. I went for it... ‘You’re still there, aren’t you? Except you don’t know quite where it is.’ ‘Mm’. He stumbled in his mind. I assumed he must have run out of ideas, or that he suddenly decided he didn’t want to go on. It crossed my mind to tell him that it was alright, or that he should go, or that I had to go.

‘Yes, correct.’ His voice, still with that cottony cadence, steadied a little. ‘That nags me. Some days I’ll be doing every day, innocuous things, focusing, and suddenly that shadow will creep over me, and I’m paralysed. Then I can’t go forwards with the day. That’s it. I don’t think of anything else, you see? [I couldn’t quite, but nodded] And... I’m staying here for that, I would say. It must sound almost perverse but, yes, I’m staying here for that – I must want to win.’

Once again I turned, briefly, away from him, and back in a matter of moments. There was no way I could follow that up with anything that would have made a difference. I left it. I remembered what I was doing there, not to save him, but maybe to save myself. I looked at him with an overtone of sympathy, and, perhaps willingly, was helpless.

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